It's Toxic... Way below the Belt...

Things happen too fast... You may see me beside you now but in just a wink of an eye, i'll be gone.

These past few days has been too toxic for me... It's i guess not the job or even its nature... It's the people you are with. I believe in what my friend would always tell me, "You can never please everybody". It's indeed true. But even if you've already went through a smooth path with them or i thought i have but to no avail. It's as if you're starting another journey over and over again.

It hurts to think that those people whom you have known the longest are the ones mocking you... They're even the ones who thinks ill of you. Isn't it painful? It is... Reality bites.

Yesterday has been too toxic... We had our level meeting where issues were divulged... Responses has been way below the belt... That was because we didn't know the real score.. Who said this.. Who said that....

The climate yesterday was just as hot as every single thing that happened. Right at this very moment that i'm writing this blog, i'm still trying to dig deep into my heart who really holds the truth of all these issues... It's different when you're in between two opposite poles. And you've been with each of them for quite some time.
There's just this eeenky thought that's telling me that the "people" they're referring to as the ones always responsible of stories that are never true are the people who just want the best. It bothers me when they're scrutinized. hay....

What a life...

We'll Miss You

Life as you said is full of hellos and goodbyes... But this, as you leave is what i just considered as a "farewell" 'coz i know we'll still see you somewhere.. somehow...

We have met some time in June of this wonderful year for me, 2009. As for every impression i have for nuns, i thought you were the timid type... Very silent...
But as time passed by, i was able to dig deeper... You could relate and understand the ways of those who are outspoken... Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents here in Palo.

For now, we'll trudge through different paths but those paths will cross again some time... It was so nice having to meet and greet you. May your journey forever be blessed..
We'll miss you S. Luz!

Falling for the Wrong Guy

I've never fallen for the right one...

Mr. Right for me doesn't have to be Mr. Perfect.. He just have to be simply nice... smart...understanding.. sweet and loyal..

There are instances when you can't avoid falling for a person who gives special attention to you but it would always depend on who the person is and how he is to you. I'd feel creepy when the guy is awfully nice and of course, if the guy is very smart and super sweet..
He has to be himself and not pretend to be anybody.

I've already had a bitter past... I should've learned to let go of it or of him already but like what he told me last night, i might need someone to help me forget and move on... I've done that before. That's what i told him. But to no avail. Maybe it would depend on the person who's gonna help me out...

I am in deep thought... I don't want to fall for the wrong guy anymore... But how would i know if he's the wrong guy or not unless i try?...
I guess i'm ready to try... there's just nobody who dares to unlock my door. Sometimes i ask myself, "Is this the karma of what the guys in my family did to their partners?" Oh please... Don't... :'(
I don't want to be an old maid... Still i want to see myself with a family of my own. I still want to be happy.

Right now i may be scared.. but if in time i meet my Mr. Right, i'm pretty sure i can already endure whatever challenges there are for me...

I've fallen for the wrong guys many times... I'm not gonna fall for one anymore...
(i hope so..)

Humiliation Comes to Pass.. they too...

Summer has been that eeky... squeaky... peekie...

Had to work with delusions...

had to be with a lot of people...

I enjoyed being with kids wanting to learn arts and crafts... and even those in other classes... Sometimes, when you're at the peak of your enjoyment, there would be people who would always want to see you in misery...

These people would love to see you sad and in despair despite how much effort you exert and no matter how hard you try to make things work... For me, professionalism is seen on how you act... You act accordingly of course especially when you take hold of a herd of people... Especially when all these people look up to you..

You don't just ignore them for doing something wrong... You don't just believe what people tell you even if we know you are way too intelligent.. You don't go hurting other's feelings just to let yourself be satisfied... haler!

Well... whatever that is, i'm just pissed off... it's not worth it but the kids has been worth being with.. i miss them...

This humiliation will come to pass... and these people too...

When You Tell Me That You Love Me....

"Good night pangga... I love you..."


:(
I would want to live a day that never dies with the person who holds my heart close although i can't conquer his... I would also want to shine like a candle in the dark...when you tell me that you love me...

I heard Diana Ross' song in my heart today... it's ruling me now...

Yesterday seemed pretty good for me. I logged out at round 8 in the morning and chose to get some sleep first before attending a special mass at the Mother House of the RVM... Still too sleepy, i woke up at 12noon, dressed up and left the house. I intended to end up tired so i could get enough sleep. I needed more energy for the day's work...

When i arrived home it was already past 7 in the evening.. i was pretty sleepy already but i still chose to do tv marathon...

11p.m came... my sleepy mode was enough to send me to sleep at once and wake up in shape...

I thought i was already sleeping when my cellphone beeped. The text message came from him.
The text message that keeps on bothering me... Was it true? Was last night the moment that i have long been waiting?

Nobody knew...

But when he told me that, my world seemed to have stopped. I could manage to sleep no more. Gosh... i had to get to work at 6a.m the following day and it was already half past 12! He didn't bother explain why he did that...
a text message... just a text message which could've changed a lot of things...

Well... it did change a lot of things though... I knew he was up to something but i convinced myself that he was just joking. Although it was hurting, i had to accept it. I had to... Or else, i'll end up more than a looser again... although i still did... :(

He said sorry though... but i had to try harder not to fall into his pit anymore... when i'll just end up a prisoner... imprisoned by this love i have for him...

I've been fooled many times... i'll try not to this time around... i hope i do find the space... the space to move on even when he tells me that he loves me...

fiEry sunSet...

I have dreamed of such wondrous moments...

dreamed of precious times...

wished of sweet togetherness

with you...

I've been into such illusions of love when what we have in mind is just the two of us...

when our only worry is how to make each other happy each day...

and how we can build the strongest bond between us...

I've been into sweet thoughts of you...

where you are there beside me...

holding my hand tight...

whispering words of love...

uttering words of promise...

giving me comfort...

I've hoped for eternity with only you whose gonna give it to me...

with you to give me strength each day as you always do...

with you to always give me reason to go on...

with you to be my life... my everything...

I have dreamed for you to be with me gazing at the sky... silently admiring the beauty of the fiery sunset... but.. as each day passes by...

as every sunset leaves my eyes, my dream to be with you watching sets too... just like the sun... the fire that blazes with it fades as the night covers its beauty... everything will just fade into the darkness and will give me peace... in time...

For now, i'll be trapped into this fiery sunset... while it's still there, i'll still have hope... i'll still have dreams of you and when i'm ready, i'll let it go and notice once more another beauty the sun has... it's sunrise... it's beautiful sunrise that hasn't warmed me for years...

I have dreamed of gazing at the fiery sunset with you... i just wish i forever won't...

VuLnEraBLe

It has been almost five years since i last sat at the clinic of my dear Alma Mater with our Nurse Emie...

Headache... stomachache... toothache... all the aches in the world come out just to be able to skip classes... she immediately recognizes who's really ill from those whose just pretending... some students would love to make tambay at the clinic because we had a friendly friend nurse there... if you're sick, you can just take a nap... and voila! skipped Math easy!

hehe...

During those high school years, i have made friends with a lot of people and one of them is of course Ma'am Emily.. i've long been scribbling letters to form words... and composing those words to make up a sentence.. and sentences to express a hearts thought but only recently did i fully understand the meaning of the word V U L N E R A B L E...

Human as i am, i can be susciptible to attacks in whatever form...

In a hush, i remembered the poem i wrote for her... i used the word in its opposite meaning then... i shivered... because it's just now that i realized she was sad that time... i could have sensed but she hides her pain so deep i can't dig it.. :)

We can be vulnerable only if we let it rule us... I have been ruled many times... ruled by sadness..pain.. suffering..

But vulnerability could also mean that we're just human... we also get hurt... we could feel what others feel.. we're never numb...

This is one great lesson i have learned from a friend who also served as one of my mentors... thank you...