Falling for the Wrong Guy

I've never fallen for the right one...

Mr. Right for me doesn't have to be Mr. Perfect.. He just have to be simply nice... smart...understanding.. sweet and loyal..

There are instances when you can't avoid falling for a person who gives special attention to you but it would always depend on who the person is and how he is to you. I'd feel creepy when the guy is awfully nice and of course, if the guy is very smart and super sweet..
He has to be himself and not pretend to be anybody.

I've already had a bitter past... I should've learned to let go of it or of him already but like what he told me last night, i might need someone to help me forget and move on... I've done that before. That's what i told him. But to no avail. Maybe it would depend on the person who's gonna help me out...

I am in deep thought... I don't want to fall for the wrong guy anymore... But how would i know if he's the wrong guy or not unless i try?...
I guess i'm ready to try... there's just nobody who dares to unlock my door. Sometimes i ask myself, "Is this the karma of what the guys in my family did to their partners?" Oh please... Don't... :'(
I don't want to be an old maid... Still i want to see myself with a family of my own. I still want to be happy.

Right now i may be scared.. but if in time i meet my Mr. Right, i'm pretty sure i can already endure whatever challenges there are for me...

I've fallen for the wrong guys many times... I'm not gonna fall for one anymore...
(i hope so..)

Humiliation Comes to Pass.. they too...

Summer has been that eeky... squeaky... peekie...

Had to work with delusions...

had to be with a lot of people...

I enjoyed being with kids wanting to learn arts and crafts... and even those in other classes... Sometimes, when you're at the peak of your enjoyment, there would be people who would always want to see you in misery...

These people would love to see you sad and in despair despite how much effort you exert and no matter how hard you try to make things work... For me, professionalism is seen on how you act... You act accordingly of course especially when you take hold of a herd of people... Especially when all these people look up to you..

You don't just ignore them for doing something wrong... You don't just believe what people tell you even if we know you are way too intelligent.. You don't go hurting other's feelings just to let yourself be satisfied... haler!

Well... whatever that is, i'm just pissed off... it's not worth it but the kids has been worth being with.. i miss them...

This humiliation will come to pass... and these people too...

When You Tell Me That You Love Me....

"Good night pangga... I love you..."


:(
I would want to live a day that never dies with the person who holds my heart close although i can't conquer his... I would also want to shine like a candle in the dark...when you tell me that you love me...

I heard Diana Ross' song in my heart today... it's ruling me now...

Yesterday seemed pretty good for me. I logged out at round 8 in the morning and chose to get some sleep first before attending a special mass at the Mother House of the RVM... Still too sleepy, i woke up at 12noon, dressed up and left the house. I intended to end up tired so i could get enough sleep. I needed more energy for the day's work...

When i arrived home it was already past 7 in the evening.. i was pretty sleepy already but i still chose to do tv marathon...

11p.m came... my sleepy mode was enough to send me to sleep at once and wake up in shape...

I thought i was already sleeping when my cellphone beeped. The text message came from him.
The text message that keeps on bothering me... Was it true? Was last night the moment that i have long been waiting?

Nobody knew...

But when he told me that, my world seemed to have stopped. I could manage to sleep no more. Gosh... i had to get to work at 6a.m the following day and it was already half past 12! He didn't bother explain why he did that...
a text message... just a text message which could've changed a lot of things...

Well... it did change a lot of things though... I knew he was up to something but i convinced myself that he was just joking. Although it was hurting, i had to accept it. I had to... Or else, i'll end up more than a looser again... although i still did... :(

He said sorry though... but i had to try harder not to fall into his pit anymore... when i'll just end up a prisoner... imprisoned by this love i have for him...

I've been fooled many times... i'll try not to this time around... i hope i do find the space... the space to move on even when he tells me that he loves me...

fiEry sunSet...

I have dreamed of such wondrous moments...

dreamed of precious times...

wished of sweet togetherness

with you...

I've been into such illusions of love when what we have in mind is just the two of us...

when our only worry is how to make each other happy each day...

and how we can build the strongest bond between us...

I've been into sweet thoughts of you...

where you are there beside me...

holding my hand tight...

whispering words of love...

uttering words of promise...

giving me comfort...

I've hoped for eternity with only you whose gonna give it to me...

with you to give me strength each day as you always do...

with you to always give me reason to go on...

with you to be my life... my everything...

I have dreamed for you to be with me gazing at the sky... silently admiring the beauty of the fiery sunset... but.. as each day passes by...

as every sunset leaves my eyes, my dream to be with you watching sets too... just like the sun... the fire that blazes with it fades as the night covers its beauty... everything will just fade into the darkness and will give me peace... in time...

For now, i'll be trapped into this fiery sunset... while it's still there, i'll still have hope... i'll still have dreams of you and when i'm ready, i'll let it go and notice once more another beauty the sun has... it's sunrise... it's beautiful sunrise that hasn't warmed me for years...

I have dreamed of gazing at the fiery sunset with you... i just wish i forever won't...

VuLnEraBLe

It has been almost five years since i last sat at the clinic of my dear Alma Mater with our Nurse Emie...

Headache... stomachache... toothache... all the aches in the world come out just to be able to skip classes... she immediately recognizes who's really ill from those whose just pretending... some students would love to make tambay at the clinic because we had a friendly friend nurse there... if you're sick, you can just take a nap... and voila! skipped Math easy!

hehe...

During those high school years, i have made friends with a lot of people and one of them is of course Ma'am Emily.. i've long been scribbling letters to form words... and composing those words to make up a sentence.. and sentences to express a hearts thought but only recently did i fully understand the meaning of the word V U L N E R A B L E...

Human as i am, i can be susciptible to attacks in whatever form...

In a hush, i remembered the poem i wrote for her... i used the word in its opposite meaning then... i shivered... because it's just now that i realized she was sad that time... i could have sensed but she hides her pain so deep i can't dig it.. :)

We can be vulnerable only if we let it rule us... I have been ruled many times... ruled by sadness..pain.. suffering..

But vulnerability could also mean that we're just human... we also get hurt... we could feel what others feel.. we're never numb...

This is one great lesson i have learned from a friend who also served as one of my mentors... thank you...

Beautiful Sadness

I didn't think there is such thing as beautiful sadness... atleast i didn't.. until later this day.

I hate to make people sad.. i hate it when they are in despair, they carry a load of problems or what have you... but come to think of it, do they bother to just even ask me of i am as down as they have been? I smiled one day... Nah.. i don't have to think that way... i just love to love people even those who don't care or love me...

I hate it when people make fun of themselves and of others... it's like, hey... let's put ourselves in each others shoes for us feel what they feel when we're mocking them...

It has always been my happiness to see people happy... their smiles are more than the world to me... their happiness brings me on cloud 9. but otherwise, it makes me feel depressed...

This i have thought might define "Beautiful Sadness" too... being sad for others welfare... wow...

Sometimes, these people has to learn things in life. That's what i keep telling myself. We all have our downfalls but we also have to give them space to learn and grow up. How will they learn if we cradle them along the way? Keeping them loose opens up pretty much doors to opportunity...

This is also letting go...

Sad though but it's for them to make good fortresses for their own homes in the future...

Beautiful sadness may be defined as an emotion felt for the good of the other. It's like climbing a flight of stairs tirelessly and end up relieved for you have reached your goal in the long run...

iF yOu wiLL jUsT seE...

"I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness. "-Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Everyday, as i open my eyes and look at a different phase, i have to convince myself to atleast be happy... i have to be glad that i'm still alive.. was still able to wake up after taking a break from the workload in the office...

There is so much to be grateful about... I try to put those words in mind but i don't understand why it's hard to sometimes...It just makes me smile that atleast i still feel sad... i am not numb... not a bit... never...

I might be just tired of everything... i might need a break...

I'm tired of trying to be their superhero...

Tired of the fate i have in love...

Tired of you...

If you can only see how much depression these feelings has brought me...

If you can only feel what i am feeling right now...

If you can only dream what i often dream of...

If only you know how much love i have for you but you just won't mind...

If you are just sensitive enough of what others feel for you, you will know...

That as much as i would want to hold onto these feelings, i can't...

Because if i do, i would be foolish enough... I should direct myself back to the happiness i found inside of me...

I should once again live a life as if nothing has happened...

But if you will just see...we could've both been happy...

Thank you for making me realize one of a few things in life...

There is such a thing as BEAUTIFUL SADNESS...

I found a beautiful song that could best describe my day...

Can't Cry Hard Enough
Jed Madela
I'm gonna live my life

Like everyday's the last

Without a simple goodbye

It all goes by so fast

And now that you're goneI can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enoughFor you to hear me now

Can I open my eyes

And see for the first timeI've let go of you like

A child letting go of his kite

There it goesUp in the sky

There it goesBeyond the clouds

For no reason whyI can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

Can I look back in vain

And see you standing there

With all that remainsIts just an empty chair

And now that you're goneI can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enough

For you to hear me now

There it goes

Up in the sky

There it goes

Beyond the clouds

For no reason whyI can't cry hard enough

No I can't cry hard enoughFor you to hear me now